I Accused my Wife of trying to kill me and suddenly I’m the Bad Guy…

I suppose waking my wife up at 6:17am with the phrase “Is it my life insurance policy you’re after? You realize it isn’t really all that much, right?” wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Before we go farther on that, lets take a quick step back.

A few months ago I experienced a change in my sleep pattern. Instead of getting my usual 6 to 7 hours of sleep, I found myself down to 4 to 5 hours per night. The reason behind my lack of sleep was due to back pain.

I would wake up after a few hours with an intense pain in the middle of my back. It hurt to try and roll over, it hurt to breathe, and it really hurt to try and get out of bed. The funny thing was that as soon as I got out of bed and onto my feet I felt instantly better.

After a few nights of trying to figure it out on my own, I went ahead and saw my doctor. She prescribed me muscle relaxers, ibuprofen, and told me she would order an x-ray if the problem didn’t go away after I was finished with the meds.

The medication helped tremendously and I was back to getting a full nights rest again. Unfortunately, as soon as the medication ran out I was back to losing sleep. The pain wasn’t nearly as bad but it was enough to wake me up and make me feel uncomfortable.

The back pain was only part of the problem. You see, my wife’s work schedule changed recently. She is a nurse working 12 hour shifts. An overnight option was the only thing that worked for us when you factor in my work schedule and our daughter’s school schedule.

For the first time in about a decade I’m going to bed alone. That isn’t necessarily a problem, her previous schedule left me going to bed alone but I’d wake up to her beside me. I’d always hear her come in though, the sound of the front door opening downstairs would wake me up (no matter how quiet she tried to come in) and I’d fall back to sleep knowing that she was home – safe and sound.

These days I find myself waking up to any little noise in the house. I suppose subconsciously my brain thinks it is my wife coming home. It is maddening to wake up every couple of hours for various reasons. My daughter woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the dog got up to stretch his legs, a loud car drove past the house. Worse yet, I wake up stiff and sore from my back issue. It makes falling back to sleep troublesome.

My wife thought she might be able to help and came home from Walmart yesterday with a bottle of Melatonin.

Wife: I picked you up a bottle of Melatonin at Walmart.

Me: What? Skin Cancer?!”

Wife: No, that is Melanoma ::Blank Stare:: This will help you sleep. Take one an hour before you go to bed.

Me: Ok then…

A short while later I took one of the pills and we headed up stairs to put our daughter to sleep. We laid down together and started watching Netflix. I didn’t make it 20 minutes into the show before the Melatonin kicked in and I was sound asleep.

I woke up feeling like I had been drinking all night. I felt dehydrated and desperately needed something to drink. Before getting out of bed, I just laid there for a minute. My heart was pounding in my chest, which was odd.

I got up, made my way down to the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of iced tea (I typically drink water but I felt like I needed something with a little sugar in it). After draining the glass I filled it up again. I finished the second glass in short order and made my way back upstairs and into bed.

My heart felt like it was pounding in my chest. I reached out and hit the button on my Fitbit Charge HR to see what the reading was. Generally my resting heart rate is around 60bpm, it was 90. I went back to bed and was awake a few hours later with a stiffness in my back.

By 6am I had been awake for a couple of hours and was growing bored. Knowing that everyone went to bed early last night, I thought I’d creep upstairs and wake up my wife. She isn’t a morning person but still, she had far more sleep than I did. How bad could it be to wake up a pregnant woman from a dead sleep by accusing her of trying to kill me….